There is a time for me


There is time for me to be happy...
There is time for me to feel sad...
There is time for everything concerning myself...

There is time for me... When I shake off this same sex feeling. 

But maybe, it's not coming fully now.. just yet.

I was a straight boy. Loving women since a child. Even 'wanting' in a way I might be didn't fully realize what it meant...

Then because of me trying to symphatize and emphatize with my close friend who was gay at that time... I tried to find what he wanted make sense.... And I fell deeper and deeper into it. As I was at puberty and I was rather soft and maybe 'feminine' in a way... I, began to mystify and being mystified by what we call manhood or manliness.

I become a cast child... I was not prepared. I was stimulated and even found porn. It was a dark journery of my life. Wanting a lot of things...

Even though there were periods where I felt nothing at least... But, I guess me being not manly enough just didn't help much.

Just because I understand and symphatize even emphatize well... Doesn't mean that I have to...

I need to demystify manliness and instead mystify womanliness more. 

I ended up gaining bisexuality. It is one step to my long time goal.

But surely it will take time. How many short or long it will take, surely I have to accept it. There's nothing instant in this life.

There is time for it. And I have to faithfully wait for me. Even it's so painful and tiring to wait for. But, when things come, they come. 

And when they come, you can do nothing about it. You just live your life and accept it.

The God of time... I can only pray to Him. May it comes well.

And for now, let me do my best. Even if it's not reaching my goal yet.

Popular posts from this blog

Producing Good Things

Image
    When you are blogging about good things You will have to thinking about and having good things in your heart That's why, it is a good thing for me to try to blog and produce any good things that I can and I like  To keep making my heart be in a state and goodness So that it can keep producing good things as well Because, if we don't get occupied with good things The bad things may come into us and make us ponder a bit After we ponder a bit, we might be poisoned by it little by little A poisoned jug can pour any good water So keeping the jug clean with good water is one of the key that is needed If the jug never catches any pollution, can it even give you any poison? The well well guarded is the well well giving. 
Read more

Several Things That I Learn From Waliyullah

Image
  Several things that I learn from Waliyullah are:   1. They are always be grateful in everything Allah has given to them so the heart is in the state of gratefulness as much as it can. Sometimes it is unconscious, sometimes it is conscious   2. Asking for Allah's forgiveness They are always asking for forgiveness. For they understand that they are not perfect. So asking forgiveness from Allah the only One who is Perfect is just normal and due, it makes sense and natural for us imperfect beings.    3. Cleanse our hearts We are imperfect by nature. And we are even more fallen after the first inobedience of Adam from what Allah wants from us. So, with these and the unclean inputs we may get everytime, we must cleanse our hearts and ourselves from these impurities. Allah is Quddus (All Holy) so we must try to make ourselves clean. We ask Him to cleanse us as well.    4. Doing no bad things even badmouthing We have our own tendencies each for himself some ...
Read more